I am, hands down, the worst housekeeper I have ever met. It’s not that I am impaired in any way, or so put-upon that I can’t find the time — this very minute I am writing this post about cleaning instead of actually cleaning, so that gives you an idea. You know, stuff happens, but I’m certainly not beyond finding the time to keep things at least sanitary.
No, let’s be honest here: the real reason my housework doesn’t get done is that I hate it and I don’t want to do it. Ever. And why do I hate it so much? Because it is time-consuming, unrewarding, and ultimately pointless.
You know the old saw, “a man may work from sun to sun, but woman’s work is never done”? (Not to say that I’m the only one doing it: we all pitch in and do our share, and if my children start to complain I threaten to recite "Housework" from Free To Be You And Me. Little Possum [my 4 yr old, not her real name] is usually happy for the diversion, Willow
But it is very true that housework is never done; at the end of the day, no matter how much you’ve done, there is still more to do. And the second you’ve done something, someone comes along and messes it up.
So consider these two scenarios (these are possible only when I am unemployed… as I am right now… anyone need a writer?):
- I spend all dang day cleaning my house.
- I spend half the morning writing a post about how much I hate housework, then do a little housework, then play with Possum, then take a nap.
And what are the outcomes of these two scenarios? They are exactly the same: at the end of the day, there is more housework to do. Except that in the first scenario I am bitter and resentful that the life of one so clearly talented and intelligent (and also modest) should be frittered away on such mindnumbing trivialities. And in the second one I have gotten my creative ya-yas out, made some gestures toward Godliness, enjoyed the company of my girlie, and had a lovely nap as well.
At the end of my life, will I wish I had done more housework? Unless at some point Child Services declares my house an unfit environment, the answer is unequivocally HECK NO!
On the other hand, the state of one’s house is a definite factor in others’ assessment of you; people tend to look askance at apple cores on the kitchen counters (Willow!) or dirty socks under the coffee table (Husband!) or heaps of laundry in the basement (uh… that would be me). And such assessments tend to affect the social lives of my children — I am either struck by CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) or parents retrieving their children decide never again to darken my dusty doorstep.
So, I have developed a bunch of what I call “Cleaning Hacks” that help me maintain the illusion that I am a responsible adult, and here is number one:
Cleaning Hack Number 1: Turn your disaster into a work in progress.
Imagine you’re home slung on the couch in your comfy disaster of a living room. You are re-reading Ken Kesey’s “Sometimes a Great Notion” and snacking on Monukka raisins. The dog starts barking; you look up to see your neighbor coming up the walk. You want to invite her in for tea and crumpets, only… you look around helplessly.
What will you do? What WILL you do?
Here’s what you’ll do — pretend you are in the middle of cleaning. Haul out your vacuum cleaner and stand it in the middle of the room. Grab some cleaning supplies from under the sink and set them down, preferably where they can be seen from the front door. Spray air freshener or, better yet, something like Windex into the air. If you have an apron, put it on. Pick up a couple of random objects that need to be put away, and go answer the door.
“Oh, hi!” you say, “Come on in! Excuse the mess — I was just cleaning up."
Huh? HUH? What did I tell you? Your house looks exactly the same, but instead of lazing around you are cleaning up you decent, respectable person you!
Here endeth Cleaning Hack Number 1 — check back for more tips and tricks! (Mostly tricks.) And click the "Submit a Hack" button over there to send in your favorite shortcut -- you could be featured in an upcoming article!
Hack on, people!
